PITTSBURGH -- A local blogger who goes only by the name of Chadd Hanging was arrested last night for disorderly conduct after he was seen attempting to convey a message to the grammar police by hopping and skipping in a hostile manner while watching the mayoral race on local television news. He subsequently failed a field E.B. White Elements of Style test, was taken into custody and immediately booked.He demanded that a reporter for this news agency this morning (me) -- through stomping and with the aid of "Pictionary"-type drawings -- tell him who had been elected mayor. The reporter, far too amused by his herky-jerky body mechanics and stick figures, refused to tell him until he became exhausted and folded his hands in prayer. Then, she pretended that she was going to tell him by parting her lips ever so slightly, but simply smiled and said she had to take a call from her mother and would get back to him later. Or never, whichever came first.
Hanging, who may perhaps be best known as author of the book, "The Man Who Was Thirsty," was at Hijacks, a South Side watering hole where the quirky are known to gather. Witnesses say that Hanging was watching KDKA news election results at the bar with a unicorn and a man dressed up as Groucho Marx at the time of the incident. When the bartender noticed the commotion, he called paramedics first, thinking that Hanging was experiencing a seizure after seeing the lead Luke Ravenstahl had on his opponents, but when it became evident that his middle finger did not seem to be affected by his dyspraxic condition, police were called to investigate.
Ms. Mon, the author of this story and editor of this publication (me), whose relationship with Hanging has always been rather dicey due to his affiliation with a quasi-illustrious group mysteriously known only as "Smawm," had been using grant money by the Human Fund for Bloggers Who Work for Free to decipher the language Hanging had begun to create years ago as a way to communicate secretly with wasps. Critics once called him a wasp apologist for his believed endeavor, saying, "Everyone knows bees hold the key to unlocking the mysteries of civilization. Wasps are merely the pariahs of the entomological world."
"Me and my team of researchers, which as you know -- now includes Luke Ravenstahl's chief of staff Yarone Zober -- have deciphered a few key words, such as rainbow, Skittles, happy clouds and mayor. We think he may be some sort of disciple of painter Bob Ross, what with his broad sweeping strokes and all, but it's too soon to tell. Something tells us we may be on to something that isn't as big as we think. Again, it's too soon to tell. But until the grant money runs out, I'm obligated to continue my study.
"We certainly want to work with Hanging. He has much to gain from a partnership, including our willingness to give him a very generous endowment, something we believe that his wife may enjoy as well," said Ms. Mon.
