A SPECIAL HISTORICAL EDITION OF WMON'S "BEHIND THE MUSIC:" THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER, AN ANTHEM OF PERSONAL TRAGEDY

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY JUST ANOTHER LAWYER-TURNED-POET-WANNABE, WOULD PROBABLY BE "BLOGGER" IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY
American History Academician Says Key's Words "Amateurish At Best," And That He Was Probably A Pothead, Too
"If we can look past his iconic patriot status for a moment, we can see this man was clearly living in the tall shadow of the cousin with whom he shared names, Francis Scott Key Fitzergerald, a.k.a. F. Scott Fitzgerald," said F. Murray Abramowitzaham, the auteur of a soon-to-be-released documentary entitled, "The Rockets' Red Glare: The Battle of Baltimore Through The Eyes of a Potomac Pothead."
"I've been studying this for quite some time now, and Key clearly suffered from hallucinations, most likely from hash he smoked as a coping mechanism. It's quite evident from his writing style that he was watching the events at Fort McHenry unfold while under the influence of a mind-altering substance that subjectively enhanced what would have been a rather ordinary experience to one of epochal proportion, and that he thus felt compelled to document -- essentially with scrawl on a used, paper dinner napkin, employing what the PSSA would unkindly reveal to be little more than a sixth-grade vocabulary.
"For example, Key wrote of broad stripes and bright stars, as though the flag were larger than its actual dimensions of 42 feet long by 30 feet high, and that the stars were glowing in some fashion, as though, perhaps it may have even caught fire -- it's like he's telling us that he was witness to flaming projectiles. We know in retrospect these are gross exaggerations. But without digressing into a missive on the reluctancy with which society embraces revisionist history or gay sex, suffice it to say, that flag in the Smithsonian is very likely a clever forgery."
Further examination of this unexplored, taboo jurisprudential reefer culture reveals that "flag burning" back then didn't have the loaded, anti-American attachment it does today, either. It was just code for what we'd call "lighting a doobie," said Abramowitzaham.
"And I've got this theory, too, that the more names your parents burden you with, the more important you must believe yourself to be. For every moniker listed on your birth record, there is a psychological underpinning associated with that name. You see this in Miss America pageants all the time. Look what happened to Kaye Lani Rae Rafko, who to make matters worse, decided to hyphenate her name after marriage, and is now Kaye Lani Rae Rafko-Wilson. Having a lot -- and I do mean that word in the literal sense -- of names is the most indelible form of societal one-upmanship, but by the same toke -- I mean, token -- it's often an unrealized expectation."
What did happen to Rafko-Wilson?
"Exactly. No one's heard of her. If you can't live up to the reputation that precedes you, you are doomed to a life of misery and self-contempt, and often, unfortunately, self-medication," he added, as he excused himself to go blazin'."

























