DEAR MS. MON: ADMIT IT, YOU CRIED WHEN YOU READ THIS

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06364/749987-109.stm

TO: Ms. Mon
FROM: Vivian
RE: The wet, snotty tissues in my waste basket, the smudged ink on Barbara White Stack's Saturday Diary, etc.

Look, we already know you are an overemotional spitfire. But can you at least put your disgusting Kleenex in your own waste basket?

And why were you sitting at my desk? The evidence is all around. The flavored lip gloss, the Frank's Hot Sauce ... and my office phone has some TV reporter's number on speed-dial now. I imagine you were sharing a good boo-hoo with your buddy, huh? How come he never takes me out for drinks?

Anyway, you need to get a grip. People retire. Newspapers fold. Life goes on. And besides, you're part of the problem now, aren't you? Blogging like this? Aren't you helping to drive people like Barbara into early retirement?

I imagine some snarky and pseudo-philosophical response with more platitudes than an Oprah Winfrey column is headed my way, but hey -- amuse me. I need something to laugh at on occasion. So have a go at it.

FAMILY CLAIMS WOMAN THEY TOOK IN OVER CHRISTMAS CORRUPTING THEIR 8-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

SAN FRANCISCO (DEC. 29) - A couple is claiming that a woman named Dinah, a whore they hosted as part of a Christmas program for temporarily homeless hookers, has been corrupting their little daughter by using the "F word" a little too frequently and are now suing the nonprofit agency which placed the woman with the family.

"It's a little hard to make it out, because well, she's from Brooklyn, but I've seen enough Marisa Tomei movies to know that this is definitely the 'F word,'" said Charles S. Holl. "We are taking appropriate legal action because the last thing we ever expected by taking a prostitute into our home was an incorrigible, foul-mouthed tart. What is society coming to?"

A spokesperson for the nonprofit organization, "Hookers for the Holidays," had no comment at press time.

"From now on, our little Jolene is going to stick to Bratz dolls for Christmas entertainment," said Holl.

"I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me.

It would be a better world."

TEMPORARILY CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS

MS. MON AND HER STAFF OF MANY WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND ANY OTHER HOLIDAY YOU CHOOSE TO CELEBRATE AT THIS TIME (WE ALSO LIKE TO CELEBRATE OKTOBERFEST AGAIN, SINCE THERE DIDN'T SEEM TO BE ENOUGH TIME IN SEPTEMBER. BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THEY HAVE OKTOBERFEST. IT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT WHO ARE WE TO QUESTION?)

SEE YOU AGAIN SOON!

BILL CLINTON DEDICATES NEW FACILITY FOR TREATMENT OF MORALLY BANKRUPT, PRESENTS NEW 12-STEP PROGRAM CALLED AP-ANON

CELEBRITIES, POLITICIANS, WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS AND OTHER AFFLUENT BLUNDERERS LINE UP IN DROVES TO ATTEND OPENING-DAY PEP RALLY FOR CENTER THAT SPECIALIZES IN TEACHING THE ART OF THE APOLOGY, DAMAGE CONTROL AND CAREER-MENDING

ROSIE O'DONNELL OPENS MOUTH AGAIN, AND, IN OTHER NEWS, THOUSANDS OF NEW YORKERS MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEAR

Ms. Adventures on the Mon will be following both stories and bring you the latest breaking news as it happens. OK. Maybe a couple of days after it happens. Give or take.

EDITORIAL: WHY I DON'T WANT A CASINO

by Vivian, The Angry Copyreader

I've heard all the arguments against this casino or that casino, or just casinos in general, from the press, the pundits, the people, the moguls and the pols, and I say: you're all full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse.

The real reason you don't want a casino is because you're damn losers. That's right, losers. You've never won anything in your life, and you're bitter about it.

I know. Because I am just like you. I never win anything. Scratch-off lottery ticket? Oh yeah, a buck here, maybe two bucks there -- just enough to keep you coming back until you're in the hole for ten bucks. And some senior citizen is racing past you waving that ten bucks in your face in his new Prius on the parkway on his way to pay for his medications that are keeping him so damn happy.

Yeah, we all buy a Powerball ticket when we hear about some behemoth jackpot, but you know what? It just makes your odds even worse when all those people go out and buy more tickets. You know this, but you buy tickets in spite of yourself. At different stores. And you know you're still going to lose. But you put on your best Mona Lisa smile and tell the TV cameras, "I feel lucky."

Horseshit.

Why, you can't even win in the Chinese basket auction at the church festival. It blows, doesn't it?

Yeah, we hear a Cinderella story here and there. But will you be that one in a million? Well, you're odds aren't even that good. You're more likely to find the Holy Grail, and you know it.

Because in this real world of worlds, this is no, "It Could Happen to You" romantic comedy. You are just going to lose your money and your significant other is just going to get more pissed off at you and may eventually even throw your ass out on the street. You should watch the "Days of Wine and Roses," and just substitute the booze for gambling. Or if you don't feel like substituting, just watch "High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story." That'll wake your loser ass up.

Most of us will go through life losing. Losing, losing, losing. And nothing is going to change that.

Loser. Why don't you just go put a big "L" on your forehead and quit babbling.

SMOKEY ROBINSON RELEASES DIGITALLY REMASTERED "TRACKS OF MY TEARS" TO COMMEMORATE DON BARDEN'S BIRTHDAY, SLOTS LICENSE AWARD

ROBINSON SAYS HE HAS WORKED WITH MIRACLES BEFORE, BUT HAS NEVER ACTUALLY WITNESSED ONE

Don Barden of PITG Gaming, LLC, left, is reduced to tears as the announcement is made that he will soon have money coming out of his ass.

PITTSBURGH PROSTITUTES CONVENE TO DISCUSS INCREASE IN REVENUE EXPECTED FROM NORTH SHORE CASINO

FEMALE PROFESSIONALS "VERY EXCITED" ABOUT MAJESTIC STAR PLANS, MEET TO WORK OUT TERRITORY AGREEMENTS AND IRON OUT OTHER "HOOKER-RELATED STUFF"

SANTA SAYS, "NO TOYS FOR YOU, LUKE RAVENSTAHL"

REMINDS MAYOR OF PITTSBURGH THAT "ANYONE SEEN POUTING" IS AUTOMATICALLY ELIMINATED FROM NICE LIST

LOCAL PITTSBURGH NEWS TEAM WEGO BRACES FOR THE WORST

NORTH SHORE NEWS TEAM ADDRESSES THE INEVITABLE --WHAT WILL THEY DO THE DAY THERE IS NO WATER MAIN BREAK?

LOCAL MEDIA CRITICS SAY GROUP COULD TAKE MONTHS TO COME UP WITH ANSWER, THEY AGREE

WE'RE BACK!

We're SEXYBACK!

ELVES DEMAND UNIONIZATION AFTER VIEWING "NORMA RAE" DURING UNSCHEDULED TOYMAKING BREAK

OVERTIME PAY, UNIFORM MODIFICATIONS, HEALTH COVERAGE FOR CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME AMONG THEIR DEMANDS

MICHAEL CHERTOFF, SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY, ORDERS SANTA CLAUS BE TAKEN INTO CUSTODY FOR TERRORISTIC THREATS

"You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout" warning from Santa Claus must not be taken lightly, says President Bush, who elevates alert level to red

WE WILL RETURN ON THE 20TH WITH A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT, BUT NOW ...

... we interrupt this broadcast for an important message.

(In case you were wondering, that was the important message. You know -- that we were interrupting this broadcast for an important message. Got it?)

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN CLEAVAGE LIKE THIS!

NOVEMBER BLOG RATINGS IN: THIRD AGAIN

"As your consultant, Ms. Mon, I would be remiss were I not to remind you that this is the second straight blog sweeps you've placed third behind The Carbolic Smoke Ball and The Burgh Blog.

I have several recommendations, naturally. The first one would be to let yourself go. I know it's hard to hear this, but I think under different editorialship, your publication would be a smashing success. It's December 11th and you've posted what -- one holiday story? The Carbolic Smoke Ball has already eeked out every possible angle on Christmas television specials. And need I remind you they've hired a science editor ...

But realistically? We both know you're not going to fire yourself. So you have to give the people what they want.

More cleavage."

JIM MOTZNIK TO DOUG SHIELDS: "TRY THE LADYLOCKS"

by Mitch Gaylord, City Hall Reporter

This leading news source has learned from an insider at City Hall that today, Jim Motznik entered the lunch room with a plate of purportedly poisoned pastries urging fellow councilor Doug Shields to "try the ladylocks."

Motznik, who considered himself to be a shoo-in at the election for the council presidency slot just a few months ago, was beaten out by a margin of 7-1 (with only Motznik voting for himself) by Shields. The insider says he believes Motznik took the defeat very personally and was still harboring a grudge against Shields.

Fortunately for Shields, colleague and voracious bibliophile Twanda Carlisle had subsequently entered the lunch room, and immediately recognized the plot to poison Shields from something she'd read. According to one eyewitness, Carlisle swooped in to grab a ladylock out of Shields' left hand a mere split-second before it made contact with his tongue.

"These are poison! Poison, I tell you! I'm going to have to take these to my great uncle's lover's cousin's best friend's neice to commission an immediate study," said Carlisle.

Charges are pending against Motznik contingent upon the results of the Carlisle study, and a full trial by jury is expected after the results come in about two years and $30,000 from now. Our City Hall insider has also told us that he expects a "frilly present" from Motznik to Shields to be brandished by prosecutors in the courtroom as evidence.

photo: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

BOB O'CONNOR MOMENTARILY COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD TO MAKE STARTLING REVELATION

"Luke, I am your father," announced Mayor Bob O'Connor in an apparition on the stairs of the SEI building in Oakland.

Councilor Bill Peduto was seen shaking his head, and grumbled, "I knew it!"

Local film critic Harry Kloman was also visibly upset by O'Connor's pronouncement, but for another reason. "Why does everyone always misquote that?" he asked.

"MY GOD, HOW CAN ANYONE CONCENTRATE ...

... ON TELLING A STORY WITH THAT CONSTRUCTION WORK YOU'VE GOT GOING ON ON YOUR FACE, VIVIAN? HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF FREAKIN' INVISALIGN?"

"YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO MAKE ME LISTEN TO THAT STORY ABOUT ...

... THAT TIME YOUR GRANDMOTHER PULLED YOU FOR TWO MILES TO CHURCH ON A RADIO FLYER SLED AFTER THAT BIG SNOWSTORM IN THE '70s, ARE YOU?"

MS. ADVENTURES ON THE MON BRACES FOR "SNOWSTORM"

WE AT MS. ADVENTURES ON THE MON WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO ASSURE OUR FAITHFUL READERS THAT DESPITE THE SERIOUS NATURE OF THE INCLEMENT WEATHER WE EXPERIENCED TODAY IN PITTSBURGH, WE ARE STILL AVAILABLE TO ANSWER ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS, PREFERABLY ONES REGARDING CROSSWORD PUZZLES

"THE KRAMER" DISCOVERED MISSING FROM NEW YORK'S MUSEUM OF MODERN ART

NYPD STATES THEY HAVE "PERSON OF INTEREST" IN CASE, OVERWEIGHT MAIL CARRIER HELD FOR QUESTIONING DENIES INVOLVEMENT

TWANDA CARLISLE'S MOTHER'S LOVER CONCLUDES ROUTE 65 LANDSLIDE "AN ACT OF GOD"

PITTSBURGH CITY COUNCILWOMAN DEFENDS EXPENDITURES OF COMMISSIONED STUDY TO COLLEAGUES, RESIDENTS: "IF YOU CAN'T USE A SLUSH FUND FOR A MUDSLIDE, WHAT CAN YOU USE IT FOR?"

CRAZY STEELERS FAN WHO WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST DURING PLAYOFFS LAST SEASON HOSPITALIZED AGAIN

DOCTORS SUCCESSFULLY RESUSCITATE TERRY O'NEILL, SAY HE WAS "ALMOST BORED TO DEATH" BY SUNDAY'S GAME AGAINST TAMPA BAY

MOMENTS AFTER LUKE RAVENSTAHL ANNOUNCES CANDIDACY FOR MAYOR, PEDUTO CAMP RELEASES INFORMATION SHOWING MORE SERIOUS FLAWS IN 2007 BUDGET

COUNCILMAN AND ARCH-RIVAL MAYORAL CONTENDER BILL PEDUTO SAYS RAVENSTAHL BASED "RAINY DAY FUND" NUMBERS ON WTAE WEATHER FORECASTS, WHICH TRANSLATES TO AT LEAST A 75 PERCENT MARGIN OF ERROR

RAVENSTAHL REP COUNTERS PEDUTO'S TIMING "DIRTY POLITICS," MEANTIME ON ARDMORE BOULEVARD, WTAE METEOROLOGIST DEMETRIUS IVORY SAYS BLAME LIES WITH NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE

RACY BILLBOARD ON BIGELOW BOULEVARD OUTRAGES ASSISTED LIVING HOME RESIDENTS

SENIOR CITIZENS APPALLED AT EFFRONTERY OF NORTH OAKLAND COMMUNITY SAFETY WATCH COMMITTEE, SAY VIEW OF TITTILATING BILLBOARD FROM RECREATION ROOM IS "DISTRACTING TO BINGO CALLER"

PITTSBURGH BREWING REVEALS "WHITE KNIGHT" TODAY, UNVEILS NEW ALE IN HIS HONOR

SUVS, OWNERS CAN NOW SHARE FINAL RESTING PLACE

BUTLER, PA (DEC. 1) - The Greenhouse Cemetery in Butler has set aside a 3,000,000-acre location where erstwhile motorists can be buried alongside their beloved SUVs.

The cemetary's director, B.P. Shell said that while it still has a few "kinks" to work out with the EPA, plans are in full-throttle to break grounds on the cutting-edge cemetery. "We've all heard of pet cemeteries. But after Fluffy, what's the thing Americans love the most? I'd like to say it's grandma, but chances are, it's probably that shiny Escalade in your driveway," said Shell.

"A growing number of individuals have been asking if they could be buried with their SUVs, according to a national survey, and we want to become the destination cemetery, your final destination cemetery, if you will -- the one that your family would drive all the way across the country for to inter you," he added.

Shell says after they get the necessary permits, they plan to build a 200,000 square foot facility to house several "viewing" rooms, where the deceased owner can, depending on his family's preferences, be laid out in a casket alongside his totalled Hummer or actually inside it. "We'll even recreate the scene of the rollover at the family's request," said Shell.

"So far, we've received nothing but positive feedback from the auto insurance companies," continued Shell, who estimates the complete package will cost between $100,000 to upwards of $250,000 depending on what options you choose. The Greenhouse Cemetery will also offer a fully loaded "luxury" package that could tack on tens of thousands of dollars more onto that base price.