HELLO? I'D LIKE TO REGISTER A COMPLAINT

"I'm paying for a subscription to this publication and there have been no postings for several days now. Can I get a credit for this?"

NEXT WEEK: SHOPPING WITH SENATOR JANE ORIE

ONLY AT MS. ADVENTURES ON THE MON:

- FIND OUT WHERE MS. ORIE BUYS HER CLOTHES!

- LEARN TO COPY HER LOOK!

- HOW SHE VOTED AND WHAT SHE WORE!

"OK. WHO HIRED THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS CHICKEN COLUMNIST?"

THE SERIOUS, BLOGGING CHICKEN SPEAKS!

"We are so obsessed, it seems, with chronicling our lives, in painstaking detail, that we are quickly forgetting how to live them. 'Life' has become an increasingly vicarious pursuit. Not to be lived, but 'lived' to be written about -- blogged about -- or transmitted by any other medium to an audience of anyone willing to lend a proverbial ear, as we meander on what we tell ourselves is a mission of truth. Granted, there will always be, at least I hope, those who live to tell, and not tell to live.

But what is the end to those otherwise inclined?

Laughing, so as not to laugh, but so others may see them laugh.

It's like spending your entire life behind a video camera, peering through its lens, but remaining distant, detached even, from the events unfolding before you. The interesting thing to note is that not only are you watching others through this lens, you're watching yourself, aware of how this watching of yours appears to others.

We are living secondhand lives, many of us. And I see little good in that."

"I KNOW I'M THE ONE WITH DYSLEXIA HERE, BUT ...

... SHOULDN'T WE BE POSTING THIS DIALOGUE IN REVERSE CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER SO IT'S EASIER FOR THE READER TO FOLLOW?"

MARK CICERO TO MS. MON: "I HAVE A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT"

"AS YOUR SCIENCE AND PHILOSPHY WRITER, I WOULD LIKE TO SUGGEST WE CONDUCT A SYMPOSIUM ON THE MATTER."

"CAN YOU ALL PLEASE GET A GRIP HERE?"

"NICE IDEA NED. LET ME GET RIGHT ON THAT. WHERE CAN I FIND A MILLINERY?

I THINK THE QUESTION WE NEED TO ASK OURSELVES IS, ARE WE HERE TO REPORT THE NEWS, OR ARE WE HERE TO BE THE NEWS?"

NED DOUCHETTE, OUR SPORTS WRITER, WEIGHS IN

"NOT THAT ANYONE ASKED FOR MY OPINION, BUT I THINK WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS WEAR FUNNY HATS AND POST PICTURES OF OURSELVES IN THEM. I THINK I SAW THAT ON ANOTHER BLOG, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME OF IT."

GABBY TO FEUDING STAFF MEMBERS: "DESPITE THE WARMING TREND CALLED FOR BY JEFF VERSZYLA, IT'S STILL TOO COLD FOR A NAKED PROTEST"

"YOU TWO ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WORK THIS ONE OUT ON YOUR OWN THIS TIME. I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST KISS AND MAKE UP. AND TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES OF THAT AND PUT THEM ON OUR BLOG. AND LIKE, OHMYGOD, CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE OUR RATINGS?"

"HELLO? WE DO NOT APPEAR IN PRINT YOU IMBECILE: WE ARE AN ONLINE PUBLICATION!"

VIVIAN LIVID AT MS. MON

"WHAT ELSE IS NEW?" ASKS ENIGMATIC EDITOR

"THAT BASTARD JOHN MCINTIRE IS RIGHT. EVERYONE'S A WHORE. NOT THAT I EVER HAD ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU. BUT I WILL NO LONGER BE PIMPED LIKE THIS! I CANNOT BE PARTY TO THIS MONSTER YOU HAVE CREATED AND REFUSE TO AID AND ABET YOUR BLOGOSPHERE ANTICS ANYMORE! AND BESIDES, IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT? MS. MONONGAHELA, MS. MONONGAHELA, MS. MONONGAHELA!"

SOUTH HILLS MOTHER OF THREE THREATENS TO DRIVE THROUGH WABASH "TUNNEL TO NOWHERE" IF ONE MORE SCHOOL "SNOW DAY" DECLARED

WE NOW PAUSE FOR A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM

*** WEATHER BULLETIN *** WEATHER BULLETIN *** WEATHER BULLETIN ...

"I SEE THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE DESCENDING UPON US. SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO AHEAD AND GET THAT CHIPPED HAM 'N AT THIS MORNING."

TROY POLAMALU CHANGES NAME AGAIN, WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS "THE FOOTBALL PLAYER FORMERLY KNOWN AS TROY POLAMALU"

PITTSBURGH - Today, Steelers defensive back All-Pro Troy Polamalu, who recently changed his name to Troy Polamalu, has decided to change his name again.

Yesterday, a judge approved Polamalu's petition to legally change his name to the symbol shown below.

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO! MAYOR LUKE RAVENSTAHL SHOWS EARLY SIGNS OF PUBERTY