SUSIE, YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU HANG OUT WITH THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS WHO DRINK CAFFEINE ...

About 3:30 into the video, Tara Parker-Pope from NYTimes.com talks about "Toxic Jock" syndrome and screening our kids' friends for their caffeine use. Whatever happened to the good old days when we didn't want them hanging out with those no-good pot-smokers?

Oy. All we need is Tipper Gore trying to slap a rating on them.

ME? WHY WOULD I STEAL A GIGANTIC LETTER "M?"

And where in the hell would I hide it?

HELLO WTAE. MY 91-YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER CAN FAKE ENTHUSIASM BETTER

Have you seen this?




1. I can't decide if the droning vocalists are trying to convince themselves to "come on" or the Penguins.

2. Michelle Wright. You're a groovy mom with a good job. I've seen you in high octane coffee shops. Did they film this after you ate a big turkey sandwich or something? I suppose we'll have to let your passionless performance on the keys here go, though -- after all, the saying goes -- "DON'T SHOOT THE PIANO PLAYER!"

3. OMG. Is Wendy Bell pregnant?

4. Wouldn't this be a lot funnier if Sally had low-sticked Mike Clark instead?

5. Jon Burton. You're the sports guy. You look like you are trying to swat a fly, not cheer A NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE TEAM TO VICTORY IN THE STANLEY CUP!!!

6. And with all that pole dancing experience, you'd think Kelly Frey could salvage the video and really get her freak on -- but even Andrew's got more groove than you. I'm guessing it may be because your juicy butt is in front of him?

AND I FEEL FINE ...

UNDER THE ALLEGHENY?

Don Barden, maybe your treasure lies below shore level. How about the Majestic Starfish?

WE INTERRUPT THE BURGHOSPHERE TO BRING YOU THIS URGENT, VITAL, YOUR-VERY-BEING-DEPENDS-ON-IT MESSAGE

WE ARE SORRY WE HAVE NOT BEEN POSTING MUCH THIS WEEK, BUT WE HAVE BEEN BUSY BUILDING AN ARC.

OOPS

WE MEANT THIS ARC,
NOT THAT ONE.

WE ARE CURRENTLY APPROACHING THE WEST VIRGINIA BORDER

EPIDEMIOLOGISTS REPORT BLOGGING PANDEMIC HAS OFFICIALLY REACHED PITTSBURGH, LOCAL CHICKENS FEARFUL THEY WILL CATCH "TMI FEVER" FROM HUMANS

SEVERAL UNFORTUNATE FOWL ALREADY INFECTED

"I am compelled, like moth to flame, to document every moment of my life in microcosmic detail, to find significance in that which is mundane, glean meaning from the inconsequential, discover brilliance in the vacuous, and ultimately, tender my words for immortality -- before I am forced to surrender my tenderloins to Colonel Sanders."

Charlie the "serious, blogging chicken," who operates the blog, nofillerallflavor.com. And also freelances for Ms. Adventures on the Mon. When he's not making paintings, of course.

GHOST OF JIMMY STEWART BESEECHES TOWN OF INDIANA, PA: "IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE, BUT FOR CHRISSAKES, CAN YOU LET ME REST IN PEACE ALREADY?"

YOUR RELIABLE LOCAL WEATHER FORECAST, AS PREDICTED BY OUR WEATHER GIRL

By Paulina Pouritzkova, Weather Girl

It looks like I won't have to wear my winter coat today like I did yesterday (which looked really good with my new Osh Kosh shorts), but probably the spring jacket with the itchy lining. I will probably be able to go out and play but since my mom is old she will be a lot chillier than me, even though it's going to be almost 70 degrees, so it won't be for long. She will say it's because she doesn't want me to catch a cold but mostly it's because she only wants to push me on the swing for two hours because she is out of shape, too.

Mr. Sun will not come out very much today and I think it means tomato soup and grilled cheese for lunch. My mom will complain about slow-driving senior citizen motorists who think it's raining because it's cloudy and say one of those words that I'm not allowed to say followed by "cataracts," which I think means they are driving to the pet store.

THE VANITY OF HUMAN WISHES

But scarce observ'd the knowing and the Bold,
Fall in the gen'ral Massacre of Gold;
Wide-wasting Pest! that rages unconfin'd,
And crouds with Crimes the Record of Mankind,
For Gold his Sword the Hireling Ruffian draws,
For Gold the hireling Judge distorts the Laws;
Wealth heap'd on Wealth, nor Truth nor Safety buys,
The Dangers gather as the Treasures rise.

YOU ARE HERE

That'll be $69.72. Can I get your windows?

INSTEAD OF SELF-CONGRATULATORY PROPS, CROSS-CONGRATULATORY PROPS AND CROSS-CROSS-CONGRATULATORY PROPS TODAY, TRY THIS INSTEAD!

Make a phone call to help out my friend Sue Kerr -- and countless others. You'll spend less time than you would on a blog post. And you'll prove that you're more than a windbag slacktivist. (I loves me the Urban Dictionary, OK?)

(For some reason, I thought bloggers were supposed to be the real renegades, the bastions of independent thinking, the critics of the followers ... well, we know how it really works, don't we? We may as well have stuck with -- oh, dare I say -- MSM.)

And now, let's hear it for the incomparable vocal stylings of Mr. Billy Idol ...



This one goes out to you, Russ (oh-yes-I-will-put-my-hands-on-my-hips-like-that) and Jeff (Go CAHS Falcons!)

WE ARE NUMBER ONE!!!

DO YOU PEOPLE LISTEN TO A DAMN WORD I SAY? I KNOW YOU'RE BEHIND THIS ONE, VIVIAN!

"Well, you're wrong THIS TIME, Ms. Mon!

BwaMwaMwaBwaBwa!"

ENOUGH WITH THE SOMBREROS ALREADY

Unless you are actually planning to reenact the Battle of Puebla.

Not pictured: Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin.