HONESTLY. HOW DID I EVER DO MY HAIR BEFORE I DISCOVERED THIS PRODUCT?

That's right. Placenta "REVITALIZING" shampoo.

Eww.

Please don't tell me any babies were killed to make this. Or placentas. Can you kill a placenta?

You find the strangest things in Dollar Stores. (Self included.)

I will stick with the shampoo I have. Because not only does it make my hair shiny, it grows my boobs. Just like the ad on TV shows.

Now I look like this:

THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS STREET LEGAL

Yet.

We've all probably noticed a lot more more motorcycles and bicycles on the road. I've seen people bicycling on some pretty damn dangerous roads. For example: THE HIGHWAY. But secretly, while I may be thinking they're an idiot for such a Draconian approach to transportation, say, while driving on Route 60, I admire their testicular fortitude. (Though I've read in the science journals how those tight, spandex shorts can really fuck with that.)

But this guy is definitely a trendsetter. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Rascal 2008:

The machine. Not the man.

Let's set this shot up, shall we?

I took this photo with my camera phone of suck from my car while he was passing me.

In all fairness to me, I was stopped at a red light, and it was a totally illegal (not to mention rude -- doesn't anybody use their turn signal anymore?) pass across the double yellow lines. I was able capture this sure-to-someday-be-classic moment because he took the time to check me out and work his mojo. Because, well, what lucky girl wouldn't want to hook up with a scooter-driving stud like this later on in the Burger King parking lot?

Rev that motor, baby.

But road karma got him when the cars coming in the opposite direction nearly ran him over. Jesus.

I keep telling you it's just a matter of time before Aunty Entity spins the wheel.

KDKA INVESTIGATES: POLICE RESPOND AFTER WOMAN CALLS COMPLAINING OF “PRISTINE HOME IN OVERBROOK”

CITY POLICE SAY THEY’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT, EVEN THE DOG "SMELLED LIKE DAISIES”

Evelyn Shood, 89, of Overbrook, was awakened before sunrise this morning by a loud knock on her front door from city police, who responded to a call from a frantic next door neighbor who said he had concerns that something was amiss at the residence.

Morton Buxom, the neighbor -- who refused to give his name -- said that if the outside of the home was any indication of what was going on inside, he felt it was his civic duty to call for intervention.

Officer Shane O’Hara, who was just leaving the Caribou Coffee House on the South Side with a giant blueberry muffin as he prepared to report for his 7 a.m. shift, said he was “completely taken aback” by what he saw: an orderly, dust-free home.

According to KDKA reports, Mrs. Shood offered no resistence when Officer O'Hara demanded entrance, and, after politely asking the officer to “wipe his feet,” she kindly suggested he wear a pair of white gloves and sit down with her for a cup of tea.

“It took my breath away. The vacuum cleaner marks in the formal living room were perfectly parallel and evenly spaced. It was like looking at Augusta National. And every bed -- including the one in the spare room -- was made with hospital corners. There wasn’t a hint of mildew in the bathroom. The silverware was spotless. You could eat off of the kitchen floor, literally. Even the Tupperware drawer was stacked in a way that clearly demonstrated this woman exhibited exceptional spatial abilities,” said O’Hara.

The woman was promptly issued The Good Housekeeping Seal by the officer, according to KDKA-TV.

Repeated attempts to contact the unidentified next door neighbor, Morton Buxom, who placed the call, went unanswered at press time.

TO KILL A PARROT HEAD (WITH APOLOGIES TO HARPER LEE)

It's almost Jimmy Buffett time again ...

I fall right within the "Parrot Head" demographic, but I buck the trend gladly. I've had "discussions" with friends who tell me "you either get it or you don't."

So I smoked the pot, and I still don't get it. David Crosby, however, did appear for a brief moment. And he said, "You are like a hurricane. In fact, you were such a bad hurricane, your name has been retired." See, that's what happens when you smoke pot: David Crosby says things that Neil Young is supposed to.

And at least he doesn't have a flock of followers who get so drunk they can't find their way into PNC Park.

I'd rather have a cheeseburger in hell than go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.

DO I GET SUPERHERO LEOTARDS?

My Liberal Identity:

You are an Eco-Avenger, also known as an environmentalist or tree hugger. You believe in saving the planet from the clutches of air-fouling, oil-drilling, earth-raping conservative fossil fools.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

FRED DURST'S INTERPRETATION OF MODERN ENGLISH

Jesus, did this crack my ass up.