Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
GODZILLA GRILL ROASTS AUNT MARGARET, TOO
The cavemen invented fire.
We invented this. And it only costs $1,299. (I know, you're scratching your head: "Is that it?")
Do you know how far I had to step back to get this behemoth flame-thrower in the shot? (Apparently not as far back as I did, since there's a lot of room on the sides.) I knew extreme outdoor grilling was a sport. I never knew it was a small, independent province within the boundaries of the Century III Home Depot.
So I went to Home Despot -- I mean Depot -- because I need a big kitchen garbage can. Bigger than the one that I recently threw out because there was just no way in hell I was cleaning out all the gunk in the bottom of it. And this huge, clunky thing is just in my way. Seriously. There was like no getting around it. I had to give it a secret password and promise to bring it a cherry Slurpee for it to let me pass through. Oh, and Michael -- you'll need to pack your bags. Sorry, but you're the first born.
You'd think you could find a decent-size kitchen garbage can at Home Depot. But noooooo .... in the cleaning section there's an aisle of itty-bitty-teeny-weeny garbage cans that might be sufficient for a 90-year-old lady who eats half a slice of toast a day. In the "outdoor" section, there are dumpsters. I mean, actual slightly-scaled-down dumpsters -- for people like those families you see in Discovery Channel specials who took fertility drugs and have like, twelve kids in diapers.
Suddenly, I'm hungry for a hamburger.
We invented this. And it only costs $1,299. (I know, you're scratching your head: "Is that it?")
Do you know how far I had to step back to get this behemoth flame-thrower in the shot? (Apparently not as far back as I did, since there's a lot of room on the sides.) I knew extreme outdoor grilling was a sport. I never knew it was a small, independent province within the boundaries of the Century III Home Depot.
So I went to Home Despot -- I mean Depot -- because I need a big kitchen garbage can. Bigger than the one that I recently threw out because there was just no way in hell I was cleaning out all the gunk in the bottom of it. And this huge, clunky thing is just in my way. Seriously. There was like no getting around it. I had to give it a secret password and promise to bring it a cherry Slurpee for it to let me pass through. Oh, and Michael -- you'll need to pack your bags. Sorry, but you're the first born.
You'd think you could find a decent-size kitchen garbage can at Home Depot. But noooooo .... in the cleaning section there's an aisle of itty-bitty-teeny-weeny garbage cans that might be sufficient for a 90-year-old lady who eats half a slice of toast a day. In the "outdoor" section, there are dumpsters. I mean, actual slightly-scaled-down dumpsters -- for people like those families you see in Discovery Channel specials who took fertility drugs and have like, twelve kids in diapers.
Suddenly, I'm hungry for a hamburger.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
WE INTERRUPT THE BLOGOSPHERE TO BRING YOU THIS URGENT, LATE-BREAKING MESSAGE THAT MAY ALTER YOUR LIFE
Or not.
Really, could any blog post be that self-important?
Sheesh.
Please don't return to your regularly scheduled blog post.
Try a different blog for once and stop being so damn lazy.
P.S. I decided yesterday I am voting for Obama. We're all going to die anyway.
Friday, August 01, 2008
IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK!
No egomaniacs or borderline "personalities" have threatened to sue me.
I'll drink to that. Oh. And kiss my ass if you were thinking about it.
God forbid anyone disagree with the gods, er, idiots of blogdom.
You might not get the almighty link.
P.S. Greg Victor of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: THERE ARE MORE THAN SIX BLOGS IN PITTSBURGH! Jesus! I really hope PittGirl turns out to be my 15-year-old daughter. I would so own your ass.
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