Ms. Adventures on the Mon

BLOGGER TAKEN INTO CUSTODY DURING PITTSBURGH MAYORAL ELECTION

2009-11-04T00:56:00.003-05:00

PITTSBURGH -- A local blogger who goes only by the name of Chadd Hanging was arrested last night for disorderly conduct after he was seen attempting to convey a message to the grammar police by hopping and skipping in a hostile manner while watching the mayoral race on local television news. He subsequently failed a field E.B. White Elements of Style test, was taken into custody and immediately booked.

He demanded that a reporter for this news agency this morning (me) -- through stomping and with the aid of "Pictionary"-type drawings -- tell him who had been elected mayor. The reporter, far too amused by his herky-jerky body mechanics and stick figures, refused to tell him until he became exhausted and folded his hands in prayer. Then, she pretended that she was going to tell him by parting her lips ever so slightly, but simply smiled and said she had to take a call from her mother and would get back to him later. Or never, whichever came first.

Hanging, who may perhaps be best known as author of the book, "The Man Who Was Thirsty," was at Hijacks, a South Side watering hole where the quirky are known to gather. Witnesses say that Hanging was watching KDKA news election results at the bar with a unicorn and a man dressed up as Groucho Marx at the time of the incident. When the bartender noticed the commotion, he called paramedics first, thinking that Hanging was experiencing a seizure after seeing the lead Luke Ravenstahl had on his opponents, but when it became evident that his middle finger did not seem to be affected by his dyspraxic condition, police were called to investigate.

Ms. Mon, the author of this story and editor of this publication (me), whose relationship with Hanging has always been rather dicey due to his affiliation with a quasi-illustrious group mysteriously known only as "Smawm," had been using grant money by the Human Fund for Bloggers Who Work for Free to decipher the language Hanging had begun to create years ago as a way to communicate secretly with wasps. Critics once called him a wasp apologist for his believed endeavor, saying, "Everyone knows bees hold the key to unlocking the mysteries of civilization. Wasps are merely the pariahs of the entomological world."

"Me and my team of researchers, which as you know -- now includes Luke Ravenstahl's chief of staff Yarone Zober -- have deciphered a few key words, such as rainbow, Skittles, happy clouds and mayor. We think he may be some sort of disciple of painter Bob Ross, what with his broad sweeping strokes and all, but it's too soon to tell. Something tells us we may be on to something that isn't as big as we think. Again, it's too soon to tell. But until the grant money runs out, I'm obligated to continue my study.

"We certainly want to work with Hanging. He has much to gain from a partnership, including our willingness to give him a very generous endowment, something we believe that his wife may enjoy as well," said Ms. Mon.

A BLOG IS A CONCEPT

2009-11-03T04:53:00.002-05:00

A Blog is a concept,
By which we can measure,
Our pain,
I'll write it again,
A Blog is a concept,
By which we can measure our pain,
I don't believe in pigeons,
I don't believe in raising babies,
I don't believe in rainbows-and-happy-cloud-birthdays,
I don't believe in chasing politics,
I don't believe in Luke,
I don't believe in the Bishop,
I don't believe in the hipster,
I don't believe in the Pirates,
I don't believe in CEOS,
I don't believe in Michael,
I don't believe in radio Taylor
I don't believe in Ms. Adventures,
I just believe in me,
The silent one and me,
And that's reality.
The dream is over,
What can I say?
The dream is over,
Yesterday,
I was the dreamweaver,
But now I'm reborn,
I was Ms. Mon
But now I'm Fran,
And so dear friends,
You just have to carry on,
the dream is over.

MAYOR CALLS ON GOD TO HELP 'SAVE HIM FROM HIS OWN STUPIDITY'

2009-11-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

by Mitch Gaylord
City Hall Reporter
WMON

"It's about saving me from myself," said Mayor Luke Ravenstahl to a group of reporters and community leaders at a special breakfast held at the Omni William Penn Downtown on the morning of this election eve.

Ravenstahl confessed candidly to the group that he feels only "divine intervention" can keep him from his history of deceit, brazen missteps and "lame attempts at duping the citizens of this great town into thinking I know what I'm doing, when really, I don't have a freakin' clue."

God would not speak to us directly, but issued this statement at presstime: "Luke is just going to have to hold onto his little britches for a while. I've got to do something about those damn Pirates first."

PLEASE EXCUSE US WHILE WE MAKE SOME NECESSARY TECHNICAL UPGRADES

2009-10-29T19:45:00.000-04:00

MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS PLANS PROTEST RALLY AT NOON TOMORROW, MARKET SQUARE; ANGRY AT G-20 DISENFRANCHISEMENT

2009-09-28T21:52:00.009-04:00

PROTESTERS TO "WALK SILLY IN ALL SORTS OF WAYS AND SUCH" TO EXPRESS "EGREGIOUS OVERSIGHT" OF SOME SORT OF SILLY NATURE OR ANOTHER

"Anyone who tries to take way our rights to walk silly will be surrounded by silly walkers until they see just how silly this all is," said a civil servant who did not wish to be named, as he walked away, all silly-like.

AND AS THE G-20 KEPT GOING ON ... AND ON ... SO DO WE ... BUT AFTER TONIGHT, WE'RE DONE! THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTERS S, T, U AND UM, "EU"

2009-09-28T19:48:00.009-04:00

Oh Saudi Arabia, what's it like to be the world's leading exporter of petroleum?

South Africa. How did you get so rich?

T'Pau knew of the the Vulcan heart -- and Seoul.

And Turkey -- at least you don't have the Ottoman Empire anymore, right?

I had only one request when it was time for you to leave, United Kingdom, and you just blew me off.

What -- you thought this was an anthem?

European Union, I'm glad we all got together. Or did we? Maybe, someday, in the far, far, away future, this will be us.

FINAL COVERAGE OF THE G-20, ALPHABETICALLY: I, J, M and R

2009-09-25T23:46:00.013-04:00

Goodbye India. You're MIA now.

Oh, Indonesia, why do you sound like Bobby Vinton? Let's all sing along! Kau datang dan pergi, means that I love you so ... (Really it means you come and go, but that rhymes just as well!)

Stereotyping Italians is so yesterday. I want to show them in a whole new light:

I will miss you, Japan. I am glad your prime minister is not as misanthropic as the big guy in this video.

Adios, Mexico. You deserve miracles.

To Russia, with love.

UP-TO-THE-DAY COVERAGE OF THE G-20 SUMMIT IN PITTSBURGH: UNCONFIRMED REPORTS OF THE FIRST CASUALTY HAVE BEEN DISCLOSED TO THIS NEWS SOURCE

2009-09-24T09:33:00.006-04:00

WE HAVE EARLY REPORTS THAT THE FIRST CASUALTY AT THE G-20 SUMMIT MAY HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF THE MEDIA ... THEY HAVE NOT BEEN CONFIRMED ... AGAIN, THIS IS ONLY SPECULATION ... BUT IT APPEARS THAT BLOGGER MS. MON WAS SHOT BY AN ANARCHIST SNIPER WITH A VICTORIA'S SECRET G-STRING LOADED WITH A WATER-FILLED PUSH-UP PAD AFTER LEAVING GIANT EAGLE ... AN ARMFUL OF POTATO CHIP BAGS WERE APPARENTLY MISTAKEN FOR A HOMEMADE BOMB ... SHE IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION ... WE HAVE ONLY THIS PHOTO TO SHOW YOU FROM HER BED ... WHILE THIS IS YET AS UNCONFIRMED, IT HAS BEEN PASSED ALONG TO US THAT THE LAST WORD SHE WAS HEARD TO UTTER WAS, "FUELPERKS" ...

WE NOW INTERRUPT OUR URGENT, BREAKING, CATACLYSMIC COVERAGE OF G-20 FOR THIS: MS. MON IS BREAKING UP WITH YOU, GROUP OF 20

2009-09-22T09:51:00.009-04:00

Dear G,

It's not you. It's me.

While I'm very flattered that such a famous entity has attempted to win my love, it's just too much. I don't feel the same way about you.

I admit, I've never been wooed by military helicopters before. That was quite a statement. Placing banners all over the city, gee -- I mean, "G" -- that was better than the billboard I got for my 30th birthday on Butler Street. ("Flirty, Flirty Look Who's 30!")

It's just that, well, power and wealth don't impress me much. Though, I admit it was quite brilliant of you to speak to me in French over coffee yesterday morning. Your accent was southern Alsatian, even, which, had it not been so creepy that you know so much about me, was quite remarkable indeed.

It all just happened too fast. You're a shooting star, G. Glorious, bright and streaming in the sky, pure gold at the speed of light, and but a distant, star-dusty memory in the blink of an eye.

You, the mysterious stranger arriving in my fair city, and I, but a beautiful citizen who has caught your attention. But I want something lasting. And while you make promises, I know that you are married to your career, and your need to rule the world trumps any love you could ever have for a single human being. And I am just not the kind of woman who likes to wait. Just ask all the people I've given the finger to while stuck in the traffic jams you've caused.

It appears that you have created a small Trojan War by your dalliances with me, and as much as I love you (but not in that way), my heart belongs with my people of Pittsburgh. May your depature be swift and merciful.

My children and grandchildren and their grandchildren will all ask me about you ("Tell us, grammy, tell us about the time G courted you!"), and I will simply smile. Then I will sit them down, in semi-circle fashion, and tell them in modern-day framing device style in the cabin of a salvage ship, a story that lasts 194 minutes. And when I am finished telling the story of our class struggle, of the nude sketch, and of my general disdain for Irishmen (I'll be very old, so I am going to go off on tangents, OK?), I will toss the beautiful piece of jewelry from you they are searching for -- "The Heart of the Monongahela" -- into the river.

Anyway, I'll e-mail you. But I just can't give you what you want right now, so it's best you move on.

Godspeed, and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Ms. Mon

G-20: THE ALPHABETICAL MUSICAL COUNTDOWN COVERAGE CONTINUES!

2009-09-21T09:04:00.008-04:00

Where are the BIG China girls?

Three French letters and a German sense of humor oughter do it.

CONTINUING G-20 COVERAGE: ON TO BRAZIL AND CANADA!

2009-09-19T07:20:00.005-04:00

Brazil. Nuts.

Someone always has to be the scapegoat, eh?

A LOOK AT THE G-20, ALPHABETICALLY

2009-09-18T08:11:00.007-04:00

This covers Argentina AND Australia. In that order.

And if that WASN'T enough ...

OH, RIXT RASSMAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? SHALL WE HAVE OUR OWN SUMMIT?

2009-09-17T07:02:00.006-04:00

BLOOMFIELD "BABUSHKA LADIES" TO PROTEST PIRATES PERFORMANCE DURING G20 SUMMIT

2009-09-15T21:00:00.001-04:00

WOMEN SAY, "WHO GIVES A DAMN ABOUT INTERNATIONAL DIGNITARIES -- THIS BALL CLUB IS GIVING PIEROGIES A BAD NAME!"

INVESTIGATION REVEALS FORMER PIRATES OWNERS PLANNED "BIGGEST FLOP IN BASEBALL" IN ORDER TO REAP UNSCRUPULOUS PROFITS

2009-09-15T09:00:00.004-04:00

Combed-over former Pirates owner G. Ogden Nutting and his mild-mannered and also erstwhile cohort Kevin McClatchy have admitted to scandalous accusations that they intentionally assembled the worst baseball team in MLB history with the purpose of raping the fair citizens of Pittsburgh of their hard-earned paychecks -- particularly "little old ladies."

The handwritten plan, discovered in an unassuming, three-ring binder lying on the ground by a five-year-old boy at last night's Pirate game, is titled, "No Hits in Springtime" and is being reviewed by the baseball establishment and the FBI for all forms of impropriety, including stealing the half-baked idea from a movie-turned-broadway show.

A passage from the top secret document reveals entries such as "seduction through plumper hot dogs," "bigger, brighter, louder, fireworks at every game," and "our check acceptance policy: make it out to cash."

Wilma Redding, 93, of Whitaker, who claims she is 50 percent owner of the Pirates, says Nutting "wined and dined me, and told me I was beautiful. Then he asked me if I wanted to make a little investment that would make me a wealthy woman."

A preliminary hearing is expected next week. Prosecutors are trying to speed things up, however, because they concerned that Redding and some of the other widows also claiming to be 50 percent owners may "kick the ball bucket" before the trial.

Current owner Bob Nutting, G. Ogden's son, had no comment at press time, but said to call back in a few days, when he would be out of town.

SPOKESWOMAN FOR LUNCH LADIES LOCAL 57 TELLS PITTSBURGH CITY KIDS TO EXPECT 'ALL KINDS OF CULINARY SURPRISES THIS YEAR'

2009-09-09T10:00:00.004-04:00

LUNCH WITH ... THE LUNCH LADY

by Fanny Fuller Malarkey

LOCAL UNION REP SAYS CAFETERIA HAS BEEN COOKING UP NEW MENU ITEMS ALL SUMMER TO PROMOTE CITY IN UNIQUE WAY

PITTSBURGH -- Ida Orebaum arrives just on time for our exclusive interview, and won't say a word to me until it's noon on the nose.

A disciplined woman who graduated from the Canadian School of Cafeteria Arts, she knows it's a major breach of lunch lady protocol to "open up" even one second sooner than scheduled.

Dressed in her starched uniform blues, sporting a hairnet and neatly trimmed mustache, it's easy to mistake her for the crazy lady who lives on your block. But once you catch glimpse of that tell-tale gravy stain on her white apron, you know: this woman is a lunch lady.

But don't call her that, please.

"We prefer to be referred to by our professional name, Institutional Chefs, thank you very much."

According to Orebaum, who represents hundreds of thousands of 'Institutional Chefs' across the United States and parts of the Virgin Islands, school children should be pleasantly surprised with the offerings they've spent all summer concocting at their annual convention, which was going to be held in Pittsburgh, but moved to Cleveland over concerns that the David Lawrence structure would be unable to support the weight of the collective group.

"A typical chef might want to put more 'sloppy' in the 'sloppy Joe,' but we think outside the lunchbox," she says, laughing at her joke and frankly, scaring me a bit. "What we did was put more 'Joe' in the 'sloppy,'" which frightened me even more, so I didn't press the question.

"We even figured out a way to make one of our most popular and healthy dishes, the 'Walking Taco' -- a bag of Doritos with ground beef ladled on and topped with cheese -- actually walk. I can't tell you how we did it, because then I'd have to kill you," Orebaum cackles.

I adjust my seat and move back just a bit.

Orebaum explains that they even came up with "movie-themed" entrees, and believe they'll have their own blockbuster with "Silence of the Lambs," which is a roasted leg of lamb rubbed in a special blend of herbs and served with mint jelly. "The moths, are of course, optional," she adds.

This signature dish inspired a host of other Pittsburgh-filmed, movie-theme dishes, including, "The Mothman Prophecies," which Orebaum says is self-explanatory, and "The Dominick and Eugene," which is a "clever recycling of what we might otherwise toss as garbage," says Orebaum.

Orebaum explains that the dishes will be used all over the country (and parts of the Virgin Islands), which will help promote the city in a unique way.

It's 12:30 and Orebaum reminds me that our lunch is over and I had better empty my tray and take it back to the dishroom.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: THERE WILL BE NO POSTINGS TODAY AT MS. ADVENTURES ON THE MON, BUT THIS IS A POST WHICH MEANS OUR HEADLINES ARE PURE LIES

2009-09-04T07:00:00.000-04:00

The staff at Ms. Adventures on the Mon, in the interest of "team building," watched an old episode of the PBS series, "The Joy of Painting," hosted by the late Bob Ross. Well, Ross wasn't late when he appeared in the show, obviously, but he's late now. Not tardy-late, but you know -- late-late. OK. He's dead. Is that what you want us to say?

Anyway, the entire staff has been rendered comotose and lord only knows when they will wake up.

Which really perplexes us, because, if we're all asleep, who the hell is writing this post?

G-20 AND THE ART OF BAGGING

2009-09-03T07:40:00.019-04:00

Debate continues over security measures to be taken during the G-20 Summit. The details are a little fuzzy. Should protesters/dissenters be permitted to wear masks? City leaders are asking us all to bear with them.

Apparently, one councilor thinks that we should all disguise ourselves as the anonymous restaurant reviewer for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Munch:

"Mr. Shields said that if council approves the mask rule, he'll buy 5,000 paper bags, cut eye holes in them, and get people to march through Downtown wearing them.

Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09246/995280-482.stm#ixzz0Q2iKMlJZ

My questions are as follows: Is he going to buy them with his own money? Will they be recycled after, and will the proper receptacles be available and conveniently located? Are they going to be made from recycled materials? Will there be different sizes -- for different heads? Will all bag colors be represented? Is Shields going to cut 10,000 holes on city time, or his own time? Let's examine the feasibility of this, shall we?

First, let's try the standard paper lunch bag. While easily accessible, and I assume, cheaper -- for numerous reasons, I can't even get it over my ponytail. This is just not going to cut it.

How about a blue Giant Eagle bag, already made of minimum of 15% recycled material -- or roughly the same as my blog? And the bags can be recycled. There is a warning that says, "To avoid danger of suffocation, keep this plastic bag away from babies and children." It says NOTHING about council persons or adults, however.

Gift bags are fancy. And they are known for being recycled. And they come in all colors, shapes and sizes. I found this yellow one to be rather roomy. In fact, I am still in this bag, and it would be nice if someone could come find me and get me out of it.

Of course, I'm guessing that Shields is referencing those paper bags you get from the grocery store. I don't happen to have any of those around -- because I don't use them. However, I cut two eye holes out of the small paper bag that didn't fit over my ponytail. That took me about 30 seconds. Let's do the math:

.5 minutes X 5,000 = 2,500 minutes/60 minutes per hour = 41.667 or just a little more than an average work week. Since Doug has offered to pay for the bags, the fuel used to transport the bags, or any other related costs are still in question. (Scissors?)

At a City Council member's yearly salary rounded up to $58,000, if Doug did this on work time, it would cost us $1,115 (before taxes). Also consider, I haven't even factored in the time it takes to unfold and refold a bag. Of course, he could always outsource the labor part ... perhaps to some local bloggers, who, from what I hear, will accept lower wages than children in Mexico.

As an added bonus, bagging 5,000 of our locals could help Pittsburgh's image as a healthy one by giving them to protesters who might look a little sickly. I'm wondering if Doug might need a bag.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR TO SPROUT. EVER. ARGHH!

2009-09-01T08:11:00.005-04:00

While you were all waiting in the beer line at the Sprout Fund Hothouse, I'd like to point out something else you missed.

I wouldn't care if a man OR a woman were wearing this outfit, I'd ask the same thing: what kind of pirate are you, and can I challenge you to a duel and if I win you will change your clothes before I walk the plank? Say I'm jealous of those legs, you just go ahead.

MS. ADVENTURES ON THE MON HAS A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE NEXT WEEK! YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS IT!

2009-08-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

AN EXCLUSIVE WMON POLL: WHO WORE IT BETTER? STATE SENATOR JANE ORIE (R-40) OR MS. MON?

2009-07-13T09:01:00.009-04:00

PLEASE TAKE THE POLL AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!

Jane "The Whip" Orie lashes out at Ms. Mon for showing up with the same outfit ...

... but waits until Ms. Mon is alone in the Ladies Room to attack her! Will our International Woman of Mystery make it out alive? Superman, where are you?

IN HONOR OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH, PHILIPPINE PRISONERS FOLLOW UP 'THRILLER' WITH NEW CHILDREN'S VIDEO: 'ITSY BITSY SPIDER'

2009-07-09T08:31:00.002-04:00

A SPECIAL HISTORICAL EDITION OF WMON'S "BEHIND THE MUSIC:" THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER, AN ANTHEM OF PERSONAL TRAGEDY

2009-07-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

FRANCIS SCOTT KEY JUST ANOTHER LAWYER-TURNED-POET-WANNABE, WOULD PROBABLY BE "BLOGGER" IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY

American History Academician Says Key's Words "Amateurish At Best," And That He Was Probably A Pothead, Too

"If we can look past his iconic patriot status for a moment, we can see this man was clearly living in the tall shadow of the cousin with whom he shared names, Francis Scott Key Fitzergerald, a.k.a. F. Scott Fitzgerald," said F. Murray Abramowitzaham, the auteur of a soon-to-be-released documentary entitled, "The Rockets' Red Glare: The Battle of Baltimore Through The Eyes of a Potomac Pothead."

"I've been studying this for quite some time now, and Key clearly suffered from hallucinations, most likely from hash he smoked as a coping mechanism. It's quite evident from his writing style that he was watching the events at Fort McHenry unfold while under the influence of a mind-altering substance that subjectively enhanced what would have been a rather ordinary experience to one of epochal proportion, and that he thus felt compelled to document -- essentially with scrawl on a used, paper dinner napkin, employing what the PSSA would unkindly reveal to be little more than a sixth-grade vocabulary.

"For example, Key wrote of broad stripes and bright stars, as though the flag were larger than its actual dimensions of 42 feet long by 30 feet high, and that the stars were glowing in some fashion, as though, perhaps it may have even caught fire -- it's like he's telling us that he was witness to flaming projectiles. We know in retrospect these are gross exaggerations. But without digressing into a missive on the reluctancy with which society embraces revisionist history or gay sex, suffice it to say, that flag in the Smithsonian is very likely a clever forgery."

Further examination of this unexplored, taboo jurisprudential reefer culture reveals that "flag burning" back then didn't have the loaded, anti-American attachment it does today, either. It was just code for what we'd call "lighting a doobie," said Abramowitzaham.

"And I've got this theory, too, that the more names your parents burden you with, the more important you must believe yourself to be. For every moniker listed on your birth record, there is a psychological underpinning associated with that name. You see this in Miss America pageants all the time. Look what happened to Kaye Lani Rae Rafko, who to make matters worse, decided to hyphenate her name after marriage, and is now Kaye Lani Rae Rafko-Wilson. Having a lot -- and I do mean that word in the literal sense -- of names is the most indelible form of societal one-upmanship, but by the same toke -- I mean, token -- it's often an unrealized expectation."

What did happen to Rafko-Wilson?

"Exactly. No one's heard of her. If you can't live up to the reputation that precedes you, you are doomed to a life of misery and self-contempt, and often, unfortunately, self-medication," he added, as he excused himself to go blazin'."

MS. MON TO WRITE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE COLUMN FOR PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE

2009-06-29T08:03:00.015-04:00

''AS SOON AS I SAW THE QUALIFICATIONS -- 'MUST HAVE RECENT BERET PHOTOS' -- I KNEW I WAS A SHOO-IN FOR THE JOB," SHE SAID

PITTSBURGH - Rumors that long-time Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist Cat Specter was going to be replaced were quelled today when the newspaper made a formal announcement that it was picking up Ms. Mon as a columnist after reviewing thousands of beret photos.

"It was a rather intense process," said editor John Allison, who was on the panel to select a replacement. "We pored over every single submission that came into this office. First, we had to eliminate the color photos, since we are a newspaper and we can only print black and white photos, obviously," said Mr. Allison.

Mr. Allison went on to say that judging by some of the millinery applicants had donned, there were those who clearly didn't understand the requirements -- so many photos were thrown out because they were not berets. "We had quite a few cowboy hats, which I thought was odd, but the one that really threw me was the fez. We had a fez," said Mr. Allison.

In the instance that it was questionable as to whether or not the submitter was in fact, wearing a beret, a majority vote was taken to either keep or eliminate the photo, and consisted of a panel of five: Allison, fashion editor LaMont Jones, Harrisburg reporter Dennis Roddy, columnist Tony Norman and retired P-G fashion writer Barbara Cloud.

Cloud remembers the process. "It was in the spring of 1956, when women wore white gloves and crisp linen dresses, that I first saw the beret when I was in Paris with my dear friends Sylvia, Cloris and Esther. The people in France have always had so much better taste in clothing and have always been so much thinner and better than Americans. It was so romantic," Ms. Cloud waxed, until Mr. Roddy cut her off with a heavy sigh and an eye roll.

Offering no solid reason as to why Catherine Specter's column was being axed, Mr. Jones simply said, "We though Ms. Mon was a better fit for the kicky beret."

Mr. Norman was too busy being a the P-G's unlikely African-American, conservative columnist to take questions.

Additionally, Cat Specter had no comment at press time, but said that if you caught her at happy hour later, she might have a few choice words. And that none of them would be beret.

A very delighted Ms. Mon promised her advice-seekers, "I will not let my new post go to my head."

MS. MON RELUCTANTLY AGREES TO 'HAIRCUT' APPOINTMENT, WILL SURRENDER AT THE HANDS OF LOCAL STYLIST

2009-06-26T06:25:00.011-04:00

GENERAL PUBLIC REJOICES; FAMILY, FRIENDS AND COWORKERS ARRANGE FOR MOTORCADE ESCORT TO ENSURE HER TIMELY ARRIVAL

Coworker Lidia Ribaldry taking bets at office Ms. Mon bails: "I know that woman, and once she sees those pointy scissors pointing at her, she is going to scamper like a rat out of a sewer on a rainy day, whatever the hell that means."